"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
"Is that rude or what!?"
"Just load me up with a couple of jumped up custards"
"Talk to me!"
"The truth is somewhere in the middle of funny and serious"
"Vassup! Being gay is the new coolest thing, so that's why I've come to the gayest part of America - Alabama!"
"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough"
Joan Rivers"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Is you on crack or somethin’?”
"If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play."
"I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone"
"The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice"
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"A hospital? What is it?: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. "
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."
"I've actually phased out the misogynistic jokes because I used to think that everyone knew that I was joking."
"You sit on a throne of lies!"
"Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable."
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
"Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right"
"Have you heard of the Who?"
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans"
"If any of you cry at my funeral. I'll never speak to you again"
"He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup"
"Russell Brand and Jeremy Paxman was hardly Frost/Nixon was it? More like watching a monkey throw his own excrement at a fog-horn"
Lenny Bruce "The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them "
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers"
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot"
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something"
"Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid"
"I was walking along and this chair came flying past me, and another, and another, and I thought, man, is this gonna be a good night"
"How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it"
"I'm inconsistent, even to myself"